Sunday, February 19, 2006

Can I give up??

Yesterday, I wanted to give up... just give up.

This is kind of funny, on Friday I went out with this guy. At dinner we (for some reason) were reading the back of sweet and low and I mentioned that I like equal, he says, "just use the real thing, it's not going to kill you" I say, "well it might" he says "only if you were a ..." I say, "yea I'm diabetic" small amount of of uncomfortable silence. I thought it was funny, awkward, but funny.

Anyway why I want to give up on it all, so we go to dinner, I secretly under the table bolused (I had a crabcake and sweet potato fries), I thought I actually may have taken too much insulin so I was feeling a little nervous that I was going to drop. At the end of dinner, the boy went to the bathroom and I again, secretly tested my blood 324... yikes, I take insulin and we proceed to the next bar. I got another drink, but was having difficulty drinking it, then we left, he walked me home and that was it... tested when I got home and my blood sugar was 350, f*ck... no wonder why I feel like crap.

I'm exhausted, but I take another dose of insulin, knowing that it will come crashing down on my... I stay up trying to watch a movie, passing out a little, and then try and eat a little something when my blood comes down to the 100s.

I don't know how I will ever go on a normal date. When I'm not around people I feel comfortable with i don't go out of my way to test my blood and I secretly take insulin.

So onto the next day, i finally wake up, go to the gym, but when I leave the gym my blood is 237, I know I'm going to have problems. I'm hungry, going to eat lunch and of course my blood sugar stays high for the rest of the afternoon. I just want to give up! It takes so much energy to make this work, to make living everyday okay.

I want to get over this not being okay with the disease. My life would be so much easier if I can accept the disease and get on w/ my life. It's weird I never really used to feel sorry for myself, but when I'm at a party or with friends I don't think why me, but I think they have no idea what I have to do on a minute by minute daily basis. Everyone's having fun and I'm thinkning "I have to test my blood" "I have to take insulin" "I have to watch what i'm eating" blah blah blah...

I'm tired (this time, not just sleepy). I'm tired of this all.


  • We've had many days like those you describe here (had a couple just this past week-- days when Joseph was high, and we just couldn't get on top of it without starving the poor kid).

    I wish I had something more comforting to say-- perhaps other adults with diabetes will.

    The only thing I can share is-- I know.

    Although I'm not the one with diabetes, I do constantly think about Joseph's blood sugars-- where they are now, where they'll be in an hour, two hours. How much insulin he has on board, and how much he'll need for food, for a correction... And will it be too much or not enough?

    It's exhausting sometimes.

    And you know, I think it's okay to acknowledge that fact to yourself and to others.

    But please, don't ever give up.

    By Blogger Sandra Miller, at 7:54 PM, February 19, 2006  

  • I once heard someone say "we [diabetics] make more decisions before breakfast than most people do all day."

    So yeah, if I had to do that every single [expletive deleted] day of my [expletive deleted] life, I'd be tired, and pissed off, and sick of it. Oh wait a minute, I do. And I am.

    You deserve someone who you don't have to bolus under the table for. Someone who will see the struggle that you go through every day, and appreciate it - and you - for the strength that it takes to just keep on going with this disease.

    I swing back and forth between wanting to make it look easy so friends won't worry about me or think of me differently, and wanting to share everything that's going on in my head (how many carbs in that? Are we really going to exercise or should I give some more insulin? Do I have any glucose tabs with me? Crap, we're all sitting down for dinner and my insulin's upstairs...) so that they'll understand who I really am. Most of the time, I think that not sharing only serves to isolate myself. But I worry that people will get sick of the sharing and get sick of me...

    as usual, no easy answers. just a big thank you for sharing and for being honest about this disease and how much it sucks.

    By Blogger art-sweet, at 2:24 PM, February 20, 2006  

  • BIG {{{HUGS}}}

    I can SO relate to your experience. Dealing with this disease really does test your patience, doesn't it? It surely doesn't make ANYTHING easy.

    I'm the same way about going out/dating. If someone isn't familiar with the disease, I don't go out of my way to bring it up. No, quite the contrary...I will do the same thing as you, bolus under the table and all.

    In a way, I think maybe it's better to be up front about it, but then part of me is resistant to that, for some reason. Maybe because I'm afraid of having to go through a whole spiel about what it's like having this disease. When you are just out on a casual date- sometimes you don't feel like having that conversation.

    Anyway, I'm sorry that it was so frustrating for you, but take comfort that we feel your pain and understand. So keep that in mind and please don't ever give up.


    PS how was the date aside from that? hope good :)

    By Blogger Andrea, at 5:12 PM, February 20, 2006  

  • Thanks for the continued support. thanks thanks thanks thanks.

    I just with it wasn't so hard, you know... I'm thinking that part of my insecurities with guys is due to the diabetes, not feeling comfortable with myself makes me not comfortable in front of whomever I'm with.

    Andrea - the date wasn't anything special. It was nice to go out, but not sure it's going to go anywhere. We'll see...

    By Blogger mytime79, at 10:37 PM, February 20, 2006  

  • While I haven't been on a date in quite some time(!), I know how you feel about tossing in the towel.

    I think it's great to be upfront about diabetes with anyone you see as potential for a relationship. Their reaction will tell you a lot about them.

    Yesterday, I had I quite rocking bg and stress day, and I felt like giving up (if only for a few hours).

    Today, however, is another day!

    By Blogger Johnboy, at 6:38 AM, February 22, 2006  

  • I just found your blog - it's a good one.

    I have an 11 year-old daughter with diabetes, so I can't relate to what you're going thru with dating, but I think art-sweet hit the nail on the head with her "You deserve someone who you don't have to bolus under the table for." comment.

    I probably sound like I work for the Psychiatric Institue of America, but have you thought about finding a counsellor that deals with chronic illness? Maybe your endo office has one. It might help.

    You were asking about the CGMS on another blog - Minimed currently has the Guardian RT, which is a continuous glucose monitor. You do have to calibrate the thing a couple of times a day, but it eliminates a ton of testing. There's information on Minimed's website about it and a great blog (finished now) about it as well:

    There's also the Navigator (I can't remember who puts that one out). I know a woman in the O.C. who's daughter has one and she loves it. You could look for info on that, too.

    By Blogger julia, at 9:59 AM, February 23, 2006  

  • sheesh. I know exactly how you feel. I am going through tons of tests lately to determine whether or not I am Type 1 or 2, and I am tired of the roller coaster! It sucks. Some days it is just easier to pretend it isn't real, but then again, the consequences of that could cause me to lose a leg or go what's a girl to do???? Hang in there!!!!

    By Blogger the beautiful diabetic, at 2:22 PM, February 26, 2006  

  • Diabetes can zap the fun out of a lot of circumstances and likely is exacerbated when bg is high. Like shit happens, "Highs happen" - should be a bumper sticker.

    As for being up front about it, is it possible he would think you're really cool because you do figure all these things out if you're open and honest about it? Sometimes we think crazy things in our heads, but if we can pretend it's the way we want it to be instead of the skewed thoughts, we can transform situations.

    That said, I don't have the diabetes so maybe I just hope it'll be that way for my son. I respect everyone's right to be private about it or to be public about it.

    Diabetes does not lessen how worthy you are. At our pump support group there are many couples who so love one another and many of them met knowing the one person had diabetes.

    By Blogger Ellen, at 3:07 PM, February 26, 2006  

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