Yesterday, I wanted to give up... just give up.
This is kind of funny, on Friday I went out with this guy. At dinner we (for some reason) were reading the back of sweet and low and I mentioned that I like equal, he says, "just use the real thing, it's not going to kill you" I say, "well it might" he says "only if you were a ..." I say, "yea I'm diabetic" small amount of of uncomfortable silence. I thought it was funny, awkward, but funny.
Anyway why I want to give up on it all, so we go to dinner, I secretly under the table bolused (I had a crabcake and sweet potato fries), I thought I actually may have taken too much insulin so I was feeling a little nervous that I was going to drop. At the end of dinner, the boy went to the bathroom and I again, secretly tested my blood 324... yikes, I take insulin and we proceed to the next bar. I got another drink, but was having difficulty drinking it, then we left, he walked me home and that was it... tested when I got home and my blood sugar was 350, f*ck... no wonder why I feel like crap.
I'm exhausted, but I take another dose of insulin, knowing that it will come crashing down on my... I stay up trying to watch a movie, passing out a little, and then try and eat a little something when my blood comes down to the 100s.
I don't know how I will ever go on a normal date. When I'm not around people I feel comfortable with i don't go out of my way to test my blood and I secretly take insulin.
So onto the next day, i finally wake up, go to the gym, but when I leave the gym my blood is 237, I know I'm going to have problems. I'm hungry, going to eat lunch and of course my blood sugar stays high for the rest of the afternoon. I just want to give up! It takes so much energy to make this work, to make living everyday okay.
I want to get over this not being okay with the disease. My life would be so much easier if I can accept the disease and get on w/ my life. It's weird I never really used to feel sorry for myself, but when I'm at a party or with friends I don't think why me, but I think they have no idea what I have to do on a minute by minute daily basis. Everyone's having fun and I'm thinkning "I have to test my blood" "I have to take insulin" "I have to watch what i'm eating" blah blah blah...
I'm tired (this time, not just sleepy). I'm tired of this all.