I'm tired (sleepy that is)

First I want to say, thanks! I appreciate the comments on the last blog. It hasn't been an easy... the last couple weeks even the last couple of years.

BUT today I'm in an okay state of mind, feeling a little positive. I think I can handle writing a not so negative post for once.

So, I did have an endo appointment last Monday. A1C was 6.1 (I think, or it was close to that). Of course I didn't have any records or my basal rate check complete. Oh well, hopefully I'll do it soon... (Andrea I think you've inspired me). My doc wants me to see another diabetes educator. I passed on that, I had been seeing one of the CDEs at the Joslin center, but we really didn't click. I need to feel like someone really gets me and then I have an easier time opening up and actually listening. Anyway I passed on the idea of seeing another educator there, my excuse NO TIME.

It was funny in the passed three weeks I've had so many doctor's appointments that my supervisor thinks i'm having blood transfusions or doing a lot of interviewing ;)

The Bachelor in Paris is keeping me up... I should be in bed already. My eyes are hurting to stay awake, but (although I'm not obsessed with the show) the bachelor is really really hot so it may be worth it to be tired AGAIN.

Self-destruction

Wednesday morning 6:30 am - 359
Thursday morning 6:30 am - 351

Don't start feeling bad for me (if you are)... those numbers are all my fault. Tuesday night pretzels did me in and Wednesday night it was pizza. These numbers, however, are unusual for me in the morning. Work hasn't been great lately and days are long, waking numbers that are this high really doesn't help me get through the day.

I understand that my doctor needs to see my numbers in order to adjust my basal rates, but it's been so hard for me to write them down because I know why my numbers aren't perfect. It's what I eat. I really think if I could get the eating under control then my numbers would get under control too.

I feel like I'm self-destructing. I'm doing it to myself and I can't get it under control.

Getting Angry

I'm going through a period in my life now where I'm coming to terms with the some of the issues that I've had with my parents and, unbeknowst to me, with my sister as well.

I'm told, all too often, that I keep in my feelings, you have to walk on eggshells around me, and that I never accept help. I've become very distant with my family, barely talking to them when we are around each other.

I think there have been a few things that have built on top of each other to get us where we are today, but my thought is that these issues could really have stemmed from diabetes (this has been weighing on my mind so much that I think I may have already talked about this in a previous blog). I was diagnosed at age 14, which in my mind is the age where you really become who you are. You are starting highschool and becoming an adult. The most frustrating thing to me is am I like this because this is just who I am or would I be a different (a better) person if I didn't have diabetes.

This has been a question on my mind for a long time. When I think back to my highschool years and having diabetes I don't remember getting angry, I remember it being easy. Until just the past couple of years I've always said diabetes hasn't had an effect on me. Turns out I think that it did impact my life greatly. Is this why starting in highschool I was very distant from my parents? Did I internally, unconsiuosly blame them? Since I wasn't getting angy about the disease I was I taking it out on them? Or was I just being a teenager?

Unrelated... I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow. I'm so nervous to get that look when I tell her that I didn't do my basal checks.... eek, if you are reading this, wish me luck.