not feeling like I'm doing things right

So one of the most crucial things that I haven't been doing that I think is causing me to not feel 100% is that I haven't been exercising. I used to at least exercise every so off, but not so much since the middle of the summer.

I'm tired, I have less of an urge to watch what I'm eating. I have to get back into exercising. Whether it is taking a walk daily or doing the Carmen Electra stripper moves (hee hee stole it from a friend of mine).

Anyone have any suggestions how I get my ass in gear?? I think that exercising might give me motivation to start eating better too.

I wish it were easy... I know it's not, but I kind of wish it were.

I'm back and have a question

Again, I've been MIA. I'm back and I actually have a quesiton. Well, I just learned something:

Insulin makes you hungry

You know when you are having a big meal and need to take a lot of insulin to cover the meal, then after eating don't feel full and actually feel the need to eat more. Has anyone experienced this? I never knew that big boluses could actually cause you to be hungry even when you should be full. Also, my doc just told me that diabetics can't feel saiety (is that the right word??), I guess what I mean is full.

Has anyone experienced this? Heard this before? It was news to me and I've been diabetic for 14 years. Crazy.

Three things in the past month...

Okay, I've been MIA again! I'm back now (I think).

It's been an interesting month.

(1) My birthday was a couple of weeks ago. I had the best birthday week ever! It really was great, it ended with a party at the bar I used to work at. Friends from home and college came down to party, it was great. Since I knew I would be drinking lots I asked a friend to check in w/ me every hour so that I could test my blood. She rocked, however, one of the times I tested I was 240 and the next time I tested my blood sugar was 70. My friends freaked out, they started badgering me, circling around me and apparently shoved a cupcake in my mouth. I was fine, blood wasn't low, I didn't ask for that kind of help. I know it was all out of love, but the next day my roommate told me how much it upset me (I was a little drunk so I didn't remember exactly). My roommate, N, actually was very upset. She was going to leave with the girls, but was so upset by the way they were acting that she didn't want to leave with them. N said that I kept saying how small it made me feel being treated like that. It's hard because how do you fault someone for caring for you...

(2) I'm thinking of leaving my job. N helped me with my resume and I already sent it out to one company. Keeping my fingers crossed.

(3) Something really sad happened this week. A friend of two of my really great friends took her own life last weekend. My heartbroke for this girl, her family and friends (I had never even met her). I'm having a difficult time dealing with it, for two reasons (1) my friends have to be hurting. If I'm upset I can only imagine what they are going through. (2) why would someone take their own life?? why?

Another late night at work

Sorry I've been so MIA... work sometimes gets the best of me and then it unfortunately leaves me a little out of touch. I will write a quick post because I'm still at work and it is 8:09 AT NIGHT, my BG happened to ring in at a 47 so I'm just sitting/writing patiently until it rises so I can drive home...

Anyway, the past month or so I've been starting to feel better about things, I don't think I'm as negative (I can never give myself full credit for anything ;) ).

1) I'm trying to reconnect with my family. There has been a lot of miscommunication (or NO communication) going on for what it now seems like years. Who knows what will happen when I actually go home and am face to face with them (BTW they are really nice people, I don't want to make them sound horrid, but we all have our issues, right?). That's always the hardest for me, but I'm taking baby steps.

2) My sister got engaged and I'm the maid of honor. It's going to be a freakn' quick engagement, getting married mid-Sept. Those two are crazy... I'm not much of the planning type so it's probably better that I'm in Bmore and everyone else is in NY.

3) So I have my next endocronologist appt. on Monday. Everytime I go, my head is down in shame. When the doc asks, "Did you do your basal tests" I say, "no" She says, "Well you really need to do them, it's hard to help without seeing any numbers." THIS CONVERSATION HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, I actually did two basal tests for my appt. Thanks to Andrea, she gave me the idea to do the test for all four parts at the same time. I had always done the breakfast fast and then tried the dinner fast. It was much easier, waking up and not eating and seeing how far I could make it into the day before I got low. I made it to 5ish both days, the numbers actually look consistent. I hope the doc is happy with what I've done. It's pathetic and sad, but it's so much more than I've done in YEARS! (Thanks Andrea!!!)

4)I'll finish or write another post later... my blood sugar is officially 104, I'm getting the hell out of here and GOING HOME. Goodbye!!

Bachelorette party...

Okay, obviously not mine :) It was a night out on the town in Atlantic City. We stayed at the Tropicana which turned out to be really cool, we didn't need to leave the hotel, all the partying was able to be done right there.

The theme of the party was ARMY, we all wore army shirts and added flair to make the army shirts cute. I think the whole hotel new of our group. There were about 17 of us, it was crazy. First stop was this Irish pub, it rocked, there was a live band and the bachelorette was quite content getting up on the stage and dancin' with the band. THen we were onto some odd jamaican type bar where we met some bachelor party, then back to the IRish pub where I proceeded to get on the stage. Aparently there are funny pics.

So I guess I drank a little too much red bull (sugar free) I could've stayed up forever. Two of my friends and I went down to the slots. I have such an addictive nature, if I actually had money I'd be in big trouble cause I'd probably lose it all gambling. Being poor I guess comes in handy. Finally dropped off one of my friends and Laur and I were the last of the troopers. Lauren down in the casino with her socks (her feet hurt) and me with my last $40 bucks, ready to finally go to bed at 6:30ish AM. Walking to the hotel and i pass that damn last row of slots, "hey Laur, I'm just going to give it one more try" and at $5 dollars per spin I lost $20 in hmm let's say 8 seconds. Oh man what the hell is wrong with me. I have to say for some reason I wasn't upset, I love playing the slots, however would love it better if I was winning. I mean, who wouldn't.

Woke up this morning I had the luxury of driving back to Bmore, that damn red bull I still couldn't shut up, we had about 2 hours of sleep and it's 10:30pm and I"m still not tired. I'm thinking tomorrow at work is going to SUCK!!!!!!

Can I give up??

Yesterday, I wanted to give up... just give up.

This is kind of funny, on Friday I went out with this guy. At dinner we (for some reason) were reading the back of sweet and low and I mentioned that I like equal, he says, "just use the real thing, it's not going to kill you" I say, "well it might" he says "only if you were a ..." I say, "yea I'm diabetic" small amount of of uncomfortable silence. I thought it was funny, awkward, but funny.

Anyway why I want to give up on it all, so we go to dinner, I secretly under the table bolused (I had a crabcake and sweet potato fries), I thought I actually may have taken too much insulin so I was feeling a little nervous that I was going to drop. At the end of dinner, the boy went to the bathroom and I again, secretly tested my blood 324... yikes, I take insulin and we proceed to the next bar. I got another drink, but was having difficulty drinking it, then we left, he walked me home and that was it... tested when I got home and my blood sugar was 350, f*ck... no wonder why I feel like crap.

I'm exhausted, but I take another dose of insulin, knowing that it will come crashing down on my... I stay up trying to watch a movie, passing out a little, and then try and eat a little something when my blood comes down to the 100s.

I don't know how I will ever go on a normal date. When I'm not around people I feel comfortable with i don't go out of my way to test my blood and I secretly take insulin.

So onto the next day, i finally wake up, go to the gym, but when I leave the gym my blood is 237, I know I'm going to have problems. I'm hungry, going to eat lunch and of course my blood sugar stays high for the rest of the afternoon. I just want to give up! It takes so much energy to make this work, to make living everyday okay.

I want to get over this not being okay with the disease. My life would be so much easier if I can accept the disease and get on w/ my life. It's weird I never really used to feel sorry for myself, but when I'm at a party or with friends I don't think why me, but I think they have no idea what I have to do on a minute by minute daily basis. Everyone's having fun and I'm thinkning "I have to test my blood" "I have to take insulin" "I have to watch what i'm eating" blah blah blah...

I'm tired (this time, not just sleepy). I'm tired of this all.

Let's see... chocolate, gummy bears, popcorn...

What the hell is wrong with me. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! It seems like the day of venting, but that's all I'll say about the crap I've been eating. Oh yea I hate my job too :) Thank goodness it's almost Friday.