Mytime

not feeling like I'm doing things right

2006-11-28T19:42:00.000-05:00

So one of the most crucial things that I haven't been doing that I think is causing me to not feel 100% is that I haven't been exercising. I used to at least exercise every so off, but not so much since the middle of the summer.

I'm tired, I have less of an urge to watch what I'm eating. I have to get back into exercising. Whether it is taking a walk daily or doing the Carmen Electra stripper moves (hee hee stole it from a friend of mine).

Anyone have any suggestions how I get my ass in gear?? I think that exercising might give me motivation to start eating better too.

I wish it were easy... I know it's not, but I kind of wish it were.

I'm back and have a question

2006-11-12T15:50:00.000-05:00

Again, I've been MIA. I'm back and I actually have a quesiton. Well, I just learned something:

Insulin makes you hungry

You know when you are having a big meal and need to take a lot of insulin to cover the meal, then after eating don't feel full and actually feel the need to eat more. Has anyone experienced this? I never knew that big boluses could actually cause you to be hungry even when you should be full. Also, my doc just told me that diabetics can't feel saiety (is that the right word??), I guess what I mean is full.

Has anyone experienced this? Heard this before? It was news to me and I've been diabetic for 14 years. Crazy.

Three things in the past month...

2006-06-03T14:10:00.000-04:00

Okay, I've been MIA again! I'm back now (I think).

It's been an interesting month.

(1) My birthday was a couple of weeks ago. I had the best birthday week ever! It really was great, it ended with a party at the bar I used to work at. Friends from home and college came down to party, it was great. Since I knew I would be drinking lots I asked a friend to check in w/ me every hour so that I could test my blood. She rocked, however, one of the times I tested I was 240 and the next time I tested my blood sugar was 70. My friends freaked out, they started badgering me, circling around me and apparently shoved a cupcake in my mouth. I was fine, blood wasn't low, I didn't ask for that kind of help. I know it was all out of love, but the next day my roommate told me how much it upset me (I was a little drunk so I didn't remember exactly). My roommate, N, actually was very upset. She was going to leave with the girls, but was so upset by the way they were acting that she didn't want to leave with them. N said that I kept saying how small it made me feel being treated like that. It's hard because how do you fault someone for caring for you...

(2) I'm thinking of leaving my job. N helped me with my resume and I already sent it out to one company. Keeping my fingers crossed.

(3) Something really sad happened this week. A friend of two of my really great friends took her own life last weekend. My heartbroke for this girl, her family and friends (I had never even met her). I'm having a difficult time dealing with it, for two reasons (1) my friends have to be hurting. If I'm upset I can only imagine what they are going through. (2) why would someone take their own life?? why?

Another late night at work

2006-04-20T20:08:00.000-04:00

Sorry I've been so MIA... work sometimes gets the best of me and then it unfortunately leaves me a little out of touch. I will write a quick post because I'm still at work and it is 8:09 AT NIGHT, my BG happened to ring in at a 47 so I'm just sitting/writing patiently until it rises so I can drive home...

Anyway, the past month or so I've been starting to feel better about things, I don't think I'm as negative (I can never give myself full credit for anything ;) ).

1) I'm trying to reconnect with my family. There has been a lot of miscommunication (or NO communication) going on for what it now seems like years. Who knows what will happen when I actually go home and am face to face with them (BTW they are really nice people, I don't want to make them sound horrid, but we all have our issues, right?). That's always the hardest for me, but I'm taking baby steps.

2) My sister got engaged and I'm the maid of honor. It's going to be a freakn' quick engagement, getting married mid-Sept. Those two are crazy... I'm not much of the planning type so it's probably better that I'm in Bmore and everyone else is in NY.

3) So I have my next endocronologist appt. on Monday. Everytime I go, my head is down in shame. When the doc asks, "Did you do your basal tests" I say, "no" She says, "Well you really need to do them, it's hard to help without seeing any numbers." THIS CONVERSATION HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, I actually did two basal tests for my appt. Thanks to Andrea, she gave me the idea to do the test for all four parts at the same time. I had always done the breakfast fast and then tried the dinner fast. It was much easier, waking up and not eating and seeing how far I could make it into the day before I got low. I made it to 5ish both days, the numbers actually look consistent. I hope the doc is happy with what I've done. It's pathetic and sad, but it's so much more than I've done in YEARS! (Thanks Andrea!!!)

4)I'll finish or write another post later... my blood sugar is officially 104, I'm getting the hell out of here and GOING HOME. Goodbye!!

Bachelorette party...

2006-02-26T22:19:00.000-05:00

Okay, obviously not mine :) It was a night out on the town in Atlantic City. We stayed at the Tropicana which turned out to be really cool, we didn't need to leave the hotel, all the partying was able to be done right there.

The theme of the party was ARMY, we all wore army shirts and added flair to make the army shirts cute. I think the whole hotel new of our group. There were about 17 of us, it was crazy. First stop was this Irish pub, it rocked, there was a live band and the bachelorette was quite content getting up on the stage and dancin' with the band. THen we were onto some odd jamaican type bar where we met some bachelor party, then back to the IRish pub where I proceeded to get on the stage. Aparently there are funny pics.

So I guess I drank a little too much red bull (sugar free) I could've stayed up forever. Two of my friends and I went down to the slots. I have such an addictive nature, if I actually had money I'd be in big trouble cause I'd probably lose it all gambling. Being poor I guess comes in handy. Finally dropped off one of my friends and Laur and I were the last of the troopers. Lauren down in the casino with her socks (her feet hurt) and me with my last $40 bucks, ready to finally go to bed at 6:30ish AM. Walking to the hotel and i pass that damn last row of slots, "hey Laur, I'm just going to give it one more try" and at $5 dollars per spin I lost $20 in hmm let's say 8 seconds. Oh man what the hell is wrong with me. I have to say for some reason I wasn't upset, I love playing the slots, however would love it better if I was winning. I mean, who wouldn't.

Woke up this morning I had the luxury of driving back to Bmore, that damn red bull I still couldn't shut up, we had about 2 hours of sleep and it's 10:30pm and I"m still not tired. I'm thinking tomorrow at work is going to SUCK!!!!!!

Can I give up??

2006-02-19T15:31:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I wanted to give up... just give up.

This is kind of funny, on Friday I went out with this guy. At dinner we (for some reason) were reading the back of sweet and low and I mentioned that I like equal, he says, "just use the real thing, it's not going to kill you" I say, "well it might" he says "only if you were a ..." I say, "yea I'm diabetic" small amount of of uncomfortable silence. I thought it was funny, awkward, but funny.

Anyway why I want to give up on it all, so we go to dinner, I secretly under the table bolused (I had a crabcake and sweet potato fries), I thought I actually may have taken too much insulin so I was feeling a little nervous that I was going to drop. At the end of dinner, the boy went to the bathroom and I again, secretly tested my blood 324... yikes, I take insulin and we proceed to the next bar. I got another drink, but was having difficulty drinking it, then we left, he walked me home and that was it... tested when I got home and my blood sugar was 350, f*ck... no wonder why I feel like crap.

I'm exhausted, but I take another dose of insulin, knowing that it will come crashing down on my... I stay up trying to watch a movie, passing out a little, and then try and eat a little something when my blood comes down to the 100s.

I don't know how I will ever go on a normal date. When I'm not around people I feel comfortable with i don't go out of my way to test my blood and I secretly take insulin.

So onto the next day, i finally wake up, go to the gym, but when I leave the gym my blood is 237, I know I'm going to have problems. I'm hungry, going to eat lunch and of course my blood sugar stays high for the rest of the afternoon. I just want to give up! It takes so much energy to make this work, to make living everyday okay.

I want to get over this not being okay with the disease. My life would be so much easier if I can accept the disease and get on w/ my life. It's weird I never really used to feel sorry for myself, but when I'm at a party or with friends I don't think why me, but I think they have no idea what I have to do on a minute by minute daily basis. Everyone's having fun and I'm thinkning "I have to test my blood" "I have to take insulin" "I have to watch what i'm eating" blah blah blah...

I'm tired (this time, not just sleepy). I'm tired of this all.

2006-02-16T21:48:00.000-05:00

Let's see... chocolate, gummy bears, popcorn...

What the hell is wrong with me. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! It seems like the day of venting, but that's all I'll say about the crap I've been eating. Oh yea I hate my job too :) Thank goodness it's almost Friday.

2006-02-13T13:09:00.000-05:00

I tag Artificially Sweetened!

Honky Tonkn' in Nashville

2006-02-12T23:20:00.000-05:00

This weekend was a true family affair in Nashville, TN. My cousin eloped in Dec and he and his new bride threw a party to celebrate their lovely union. So, the fam came from NY/NJ, Bmore (me) and Cali to join in on the festivities.

I actually have a really small family so it's nice when we get together. As you may have read from some of my previous posts my relationship with the rents and fam in general has been a little rocky. Well, the weekend was really great. We all had a lot of fun.

I have to say Nashville is an interesting city, LOTS of live music. On Friday night, after the family dinner the bride, groom, my rents, aunt and the bride and groom hit the bars. I was so tired, but REFUSED to turn in before my parents. My dad, not so secretively, wants to be a cowboy so he was in heaven.

I felt like I was testing a lot this weekend. On Friday night dinner was sort of buffet style at an Italian pizza joint. I was good just ate one slice, I need something in my tummy for when the captain and diets hit. Close to end of the night my blood sugar dropped to 67, shoot... so I eat another piece of pizza. I think, that'll do it AND I'll be up late so I can try and catch the high that usually happens after eating pizza. An hour or so passes and we have reconvened in the hotel lobby to hit the bars and in the cab tested again and the blood sugar was still in the 60s. So I go to the bar order a beer and a glass of OJ. I'm such a tool, I'm at this live music bar drinking OJ. To make along story short I wake up at 6ish with a blood sugar of 380, holy crap. Well, I take insulin (and go to the bathroom) and when I wake up for breakfast the blood sugar is all good.

I just kept testing all day, I'm usually pretty compulsive about the testing, but I just felt like I was really testing a lot. Sat. night I wore a dress to the wedding and as most of the ladies can relate to finding a place for the pump is so difficult sometimes. My solution, under my arm in my bra. Thinking I'm a genius didn't realize what a pain in the ass it was going to be everytime I need to take insulin for the rest of the night. I almost cried in the bathroom at my cousin's party, it was very difficult to maneuvar in order to get the pump back to where it needed to go to be hidden away. Not the end of the world, but it sucked.

The wedding was fun, I danced, drank and hung with the family.

Most of the fam came from NY/NJ and lucky them, ALL FLIGHTS CANCELLED!!!! sniff sniff I was the only one (except for my cuz going back to Cali) who had to leave. I was hoping, praying, finger crossing (yes, i made up that phrase) that my flight would be cancelled. Damn you snow, I mean you could've dropped a few feet on Bmore to help me out :) I guess I have to go to work tomorrow.

2006-02-12T22:48:00.000-05:00

THANKS so much for tagging me Andrea!! Woohoo!

Four Jobs I've Had:
1) current job - Account Manager in advertising agency
2) Waitress at a local bar and a more popular chain restaurant
3) worked at Abercrombie and Fitch
4) I worked as a temp once cashing people's really really late checks in order to enroll in college

Four Movies I Can Watch Over and Over:
1) SHAG
2) Dirty Dancing
3) 16 Candles
4) Napoleon Dynomite

Four Places I have lived: not in this order
1) Nyack, NY
2) Baltimore, MD
3) College Park, MD -- let's go TERPS
4) Ocean City, MD (for a summer)

Four TV Shows I Love to Watch:
1) Grey's Anatomy - I can't believe the bomb blew up
2) Real World/Road Rules Challenge
3) The Amazing Race
4) The Biggest Loser

Four Places I've Vacationed:
1) Nashville (just this weekend)
2) Israel
3) Tampa
4) Cancun

Four Favorite Foods:
1) Eggplant
2) fruit
3) Chocolate
4) stir fry

Four Websites I (try to) Visit Daily:
1) Myspace (it's my guilty pleasure)
2) Yahoo News
3) a blog in The OC
4) ????

Four Places I Would Much Rather Be Right Now:
1) In my bed sleeping
2) Still in Nashville
3) somewhere far far away so that I couldn't physically OR remotely go to work tomorrow :)
4) In New York

It kind of looks like a lot have people have already been tagged. I'd love to tag someone, but I can't figure out who hasn't been tagged yet.

I'm tired (sleepy that is)

2006-01-30T22:00:00.000-05:00

First I want to say, thanks! I appreciate the comments on the last blog. It hasn't been an easy... the last couple weeks even the last couple of years.

BUT today I'm in an okay state of mind, feeling a little positive. I think I can handle writing a not so negative post for once.

So, I did have an endo appointment last Monday. A1C was 6.1 (I think, or it was close to that). Of course I didn't have any records or my basal rate check complete. Oh well, hopefully I'll do it soon... (Andrea I think you've inspired me). My doc wants me to see another diabetes educator. I passed on that, I had been seeing one of the CDEs at the Joslin center, but we really didn't click. I need to feel like someone really gets me and then I have an easier time opening up and actually listening. Anyway I passed on the idea of seeing another educator there, my excuse NO TIME.

It was funny in the passed three weeks I've had so many doctor's appointments that my supervisor thinks i'm having blood transfusions or doing a lot of interviewing ;)

The Bachelor in Paris is keeping me up... I should be in bed already. My eyes are hurting to stay awake, but (although I'm not obsessed with the show) the bachelor is really really hot so it may be worth it to be tired AGAIN.

Self-destruction

2006-01-26T22:44:00.000-05:00

Wednesday morning 6:30 am - 359
Thursday morning 6:30 am - 351

Don't start feeling bad for me (if you are)... those numbers are all my fault. Tuesday night pretzels did me in and Wednesday night it was pizza. These numbers, however, are unusual for me in the morning. Work hasn't been great lately and days are long, waking numbers that are this high really doesn't help me get through the day.

I understand that my doctor needs to see my numbers in order to adjust my basal rates, but it's been so hard for me to write them down because I know why my numbers aren't perfect. It's what I eat. I really think if I could get the eating under control then my numbers would get under control too.

I feel like I'm self-destructing. I'm doing it to myself and I can't get it under control.

Getting Angry

2006-01-19T12:43:00.000-05:00

I'm going through a period in my life now where I'm coming to terms with the some of the issues that I've had with my parents and, unbeknowst to me, with my sister as well.

I'm told, all too often, that I keep in my feelings, you have to walk on eggshells around me, and that I never accept help. I've become very distant with my family, barely talking to them when we are around each other.

I think there have been a few things that have built on top of each other to get us where we are today, but my thought is that these issues could really have stemmed from diabetes (this has been weighing on my mind so much that I think I may have already talked about this in a previous blog). I was diagnosed at age 14, which in my mind is the age where you really become who you are. You are starting highschool and becoming an adult. The most frustrating thing to me is am I like this because this is just who I am or would I be a different (a better) person if I didn't have diabetes.

This has been a question on my mind for a long time. When I think back to my highschool years and having diabetes I don't remember getting angry, I remember it being easy. Until just the past couple of years I've always said diabetes hasn't had an effect on me. Turns out I think that it did impact my life greatly. Is this why starting in highschool I was very distant from my parents? Did I internally, unconsiuosly blame them? Since I wasn't getting angy about the disease I was I taking it out on them? Or was I just being a teenager?

Unrelated... I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow. I'm so nervous to get that look when I tell her that I didn't do my basal checks.... eek, if you are reading this, wish me luck.

Diabetic Supply Company??

2005-08-23T13:47:00.000-04:00

I'm looking to switch the company that currently sends me by diabetic supplies (test strips and lancets). I currently use Access Diabetic Supply, but am looking at ordering supplies from these online websites:

http://www.matrixdiabetic.com/

http://www.americandiabeteswholesale.com/

Does anyone have any suggestions?

20 minutes of freedom

2005-08-10T22:00:00.000-04:00

I've been on the pump for five or six years and have never felt the freedom that I just experienced. My resevoir was already low and so was my blood sugar. As I lay in my bed eating to raise my low I figured I could take off the pump and actually take out the set from my stomach.

FREEDOM. I felt weight lifted off of me. Thinking back this may be one of the only times that I was completely detached from the pump. Usually I change my set in the morning and I have the old infusion set hanging there until the new one is securely in my body. Tonight I was completely free, nothing was attached to me. It's the small things in life... I guess even if it was for twenty minutes it still felt great.

It's after midnight...

2005-08-09T00:27:00.000-04:00

I can't sleep!!!!!!!!!!! I figured I might as well do something and hopefully eventually I'll get so tired and pass out.

I took off work Friday and Monday so fortunately I'll have a short week, but it's probably going to be one of those hectic days tomorrow. This past weekend I went to my parent's county house. Yea, they have a house in the country, hence the name. It was actually really nice although I ran out of things to do real fast. There is only so much frisbee you can play with the dog... I read an entire book, laid out in the sun for a little, took a few naps...

Sort of random, but not so random question... do you think that the age one gets diagnosed w/ diabetes may have different effects on the relationships with people who are really close to you? I was diagnosed at age 14. When I think about it that is the year, age, that a person really starts to grow and starts to become the person they're going to be. I wonder how I'd be different if I were diagnosed earlier in my life or of course not at all. I also wonder if I'd have a better relationship w/ my parents. Right now, I have such a strained relationship w/ my parents, and I wonder if it's just because I am who I am or if the diabetes is one of the reasons why our relationship is so strained. My parents don't know me as a person who is fun, smiles and can have a conversation. They think I'm not a happy person and have no real opinions or feelings. This weekend really scared me because it became quite clear to me that there was a problem in our relationship. I really do think it has stemmed from my diabetes (at least on my end) and has grown out of control from there. I even feel uncomfortable testing or bolusing in front of them when I can do it fifty times a day in front of friends w/ no problems. I know my parents care about me and probably worry about me all the time and while I was living at home I never felt like I was being watched too much and I definitely was never told I couldn't do something because of the diabetes. One of my biggest fears is being judged and I know for a fact that, at least, my dad watches what I eat and forms opinions in his head. He's made comments before which have blown up into full-on arguments. Does anyone else have issues with parents or family members that they think is due to having diabetes? I don't want to super analyze myself, but I guess I'm hoping that the diabetes is to blame so that there maybe someway to fix the relationship.

I guess I'll continue on with my weekend... On Sunday night I went to Philly to visit my newly married friends. My friend Lauren and I went to a local bar and had a few beers. Lauren is one of my oldest friends and we know each other and our families so well that it's really good to have some of those deep conversations that you know you can only have with a select few. Oh yea, we tried to play a game of pool, but both sucked so bad that we gave up... today we woke up, you know one of the benefits of getting married is all the really really great cooking/baking stuff you get. Lauren made us some belgian waffles and the three of us got up to do a little exercise. I had my roller blads, Matt had his running feet and Lauren had her roller skates (I know, very weird). My friends live right near this awesome path where you can do all of the above, roller blade, run and roller skate on FLAT land. THAT IS MY HEAVEN! I seriously need to think about moving to Philly for this one reason. I'm obsessed w/ roller blading, but need to do so on FLAT land.

Sorry for all the babbling... I am getting a little tired... z.z.z.z.z.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

A question...

2005-07-29T10:46:00.000-04:00

After being diabetic for 12 years I think I'm finally coming to the realization that I have this disease. For so long I sort of brushed it a side and never really made it a big deal.

I was feeling a funny tingly feeling in my right foot and started to get nervous that this was a diabetic complication (I'm 26, active, etc...) which I thought would never happen. Turns out the doc thinks I may have carpel tunnel (spelling??) in the foot, which is not related to the diabetes. I did mention that my feet were extremely cold and that's when the doc went full speed ahead with the precautions I need to take as a diabetic to ensure that I don't need to have a toe, foot, leg amputated in the future (he used the word "amputate" about three times). The way he said to prevent this was to keep in good control, really staying between 80-120 (he even said that above 120 was getting too high).

Anyway this brings me to my question: Is it possible to get in control where your numbers are always 80-120???

I left the office and burst out into tears. I always thought I was in good control, but now am realizing that constant highs and lows does not equate to good control.

Meter disaster

2005-07-18T22:58:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago I got a letter from the company that sends me my test strips. The letter went something like this, "blah blah blah blah, we learned that a Class I Recall has been issued on One Touch Ultra and FastTake blood glucose meters from Lifescan, blah blah. Because we are concerned with your diabetes management, and committed to 100% customer satisfaction - we are offering our customers who use these products a free meter upgrade to a MediSense Optium or an Ascensia Contour. blah blah blah..."

Maybe I'm not so smart, but even though there was a recall I didn't know that my supply company would no longer send out supplies for the Glucometer elite. There was no explanation regarding this. This caused a problem since I was sitting around waiting for my supplies (I test a million times a day, so I always run out of test strips quickly). Finally I called and they told me that they wouldn't send me supplies for my meter and I HAD to get a new meter. So, I surrendered. I signed up to get the Ascencia Contour. With a few test strips left, I received my package with the new meter today....

They gave me the ASCENCIA DEX 2 meter and test strips for the ASCENCIA Contour... WHAT! I sat there for a good hour trying to figure out how the individual test strips worked with a meter that took the package of strips until I figured out that I had been sent the wrong meter.

So now the correct meter will hopefully be sent out overnight tomorrow. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

What I'm most angry about is the recall letter. I am completely shocked that a company providing medical supplies would make it seem like they were doing the customer a favor by providing an upgrade to their meter. I would think their responsibility lies in providing accurate and detailed information to the customer. I'm still in disbelief.. I expected more...

My first entry

2005-07-17T15:03:00.000-04:00

So, I'm sort of new at the whole blogging thing. I started looking around at some of the blogs a few weeks ago and felt like this would be a good place to share some of my feelings and experiences.

There is definitely a lot to me, but the thing that I most want to talk about here is having Juvenile diabetes. I've been a type 1 diabetic for 12 years, wow I didn't realize it was that long. I'm 26 now and obviously an adult and have felt like I've hit a brick wall. It's been great to read some of the blogs and know that I'm not alone in this world.

It's sort of funny to me. I went through years and years of saying that having diabetes didn't effect me. I was pretty adamant about the statement. Well it turns out that having diabetes does have an effect, actually it's pretty big. Being a single, 26 year old, professional, active person does not help keeping the diabetes under wrap. I'm pretty quiet about having diabetes when it comes to people I don't know. My friends (or most of them) know about it, but I really try and not make it a big deal or focal point in my life. That seems to be a little different than a lot of other posts I've read. I'm working on it, but I feel embarrassed/ashamed at having the disease.

Everytime I read something regarding diabetes it is focused on Type II diabetics. At this point in my life, I'm having a hard time with that. I feel that these are two different types of diseases and Type I diabetics do not have their fair share of information and support out in this world. I've known three type I diabetics in my lifetime. One was a girl in highschool, she got the disease after me. Really the only time we talked about it was when we saw each other on school break and we sort of gave each other the once over and made sure things were going okay. A few years ago I met a woman at the bar I worked at and every so often when I'd see her, we'd talk about it, but it was different. Although I appreciate her talking to me about some things we were in completely different stages of our life. Finally I met my ex-boss' wife who has some of the same issues as me (you know where do you put that damn pump when you are out at a party wearing a dress issues). Other than that I've sort of been left on my own to figure some of this out, more so I haven't been able to talk to people who really get it.

It has been really great reading some of the blogs out there. The honesty in these blogs feel close to home.